What was marriage originally for?

For many generations, marriage may have been more of a monetary transaction than anything else, and it was often treated as a business or political agreement between families. Parents might arrange for their children to marry a “suitable” match, and most marriages were between a man and a woman.

Typically, the father of the bride would pay a sum called a dowry – either in coin or in tradable goods or livestock – to the family of the groom. In exchange, they would usually hold the groom to the expectation that the bride would be well taken care of; in return, she would oversee the home and its affairs. It was generally also expected that the married couple would produce a male heir to inherit the family’s title, wealth, and property, and to continue the family name.

The issues with “traditional” marriage

In the past there have historically been some issues associated with the “tradition” of marriage. Certain problematic aspects of marriage are now obsolete in many modernized parts of the world. 

To begin, marriage was sometimes a necessity for women because many societies had laws in place that barred them from property ownership and business operation. Legislation like this was in place in America as late as the 1960s, when women often could not sign up for credit cards or a bank account without a man to cosign for them.

Beyond this, people of different races and ethnicities were often prohibited from marrying, as were people of the same gender and those who did not conform to gender norms. This has meant that people in non-“traditional” relationships have often been denied the legal associated with the practice, often including the right to accompany their partners in medical situations or handle their affairs after death.

What is a modern marriage?

Why not get married?

Because modern marriage is generally considered a kind of symbolic gesture rather than a required tradition, it has become much less important in many people's lives. In fact, many couples choose not to get married for a variety of reasons.

There can still be positive financial implications associated with modern marriage, though. When you get married, your tax status often changes, your credit score may be affected, and your car insurance rates can change. Marriage may save you money by giving you the option to consolidate assets with your partner.

Legal implications of marriage

According to recent studies, the divorce rate in the United States currently ranges from 42% to 53%. Divorces can be extremely difficult for everyone involved; you or your previous partner may have to pay money to each other and lawyers, and one or both of you may lose your place of residence. Legally, you are likely to go through the difficult chore of splitting assets, changing names, and deciding who gets what.

Not being married means that if your relationship concludes, for the most part, that's the end of the story. There usually isn’t any paperwork when a regular relationship ends. While there may still be some assets to divide, it's less likely that you will need lawyers and a court to divide them, as they would not be consolidated. Simply moving out and moving on can be much easier than being legally required to separate, return to court at a later date, and continue being connected to a person you are no longer in a relationship with.

Marriage can also hinder your chances of moving forward from an ended relationship; some legal officials may refuse to divorce separated couples if there's some likelihood that they will reconcile even if they are no longer interested in each other. The likelihood that a couple will get back together is generally minimal once a couple has separated. Not being married can make your future options more flexible should things not work out.

Social implications of marriage

In many parts of the world, marriage is socially considered "the norm," but for the most part, the push for romantic relationships to have an end goal of marriage has become more casual. Still, marriage can sometimes feel forced or rushed, especially if it is influenced by an outside force.

One of the most common outside forces to affect the decision of marriage can be pregnancy. Traditionally, in many cultures, it was considered improper or even damaging for a woman to have children before getting married; the children who were born this way were often treated differently and stigmatized. Nowadays, though, having children “out of wedlock” can be relatively common and not so widely discriminated against, although single parents can still face significant social and economic challenges.

Additionally, the families of the people in the relationship may see marriage as an inevitability and put pressure on the couple to get married for the sake of their families. It may be that aging parents or grandparents request that their relatives get married “before they miss their chance” so that they can attend the ceremony, or it could be that the family considers their coupling to be particularly popular or advantageous. Either way, the couple may feel obligated to fulfill their families’ wishes with an engagement.

Because of these challenges, some people may rush to marry for the sake of the child or their families, even if their relationship does not have the level of quality they were hoping for. The marriage is then often for convenience more than anything else, which may strain relationships that are either new or not well-matched.

Why get married?

For some people, marriage can still be a financial or status transaction. Some people even try to learn how to marry rich for their benefit. Socially, it has generally become less important to marry into certain professions or class levels, but it is still occasionally done. It might also be an advantageous political or economic move. Even if a couple is not in romantic love, if they make a good partnership on some level, they may be able to leverage that to their advantage. This may not be a harmful way to view marriage. If everyone involved understands the purpose of the arrangement and isn’t particularly set on romantic love, then acquiring a platonic life partner who happens to be your spouse can be an asset.

On a chemical level, love can be very addictive; you might crave the presence, touch, and attention of your partner. Scientists have found that chemicals and hormones can be activated when we fall and stay in love, to the point where we may feel physical cravings similar to those experienced by substance users. You may consider marriage because you feel strongly, on a physical level, that you need your partner beside you. Though it may sound clinical, this might be due to these free and addictive responses from your brain’s chemical supply. There may be nothing wrong with this situation; unless there is some form of abuse occurring in the relationship, this chemical bond may be thought of as a natural, biological process that has helped humanity survive.

Still, most people want to get married because they feel that they are in love. Love, though often impossible to truly define, is usually about putting the other person first. It is commonly thought to be the opposite of self-serving, and it can create a feeling of completeness. Love, in the end, may be about being happy together, and it may make you and your partner happier to be married.

Getting help with the marriage decision

Deciding whether to get married can be a big choice that is often stressful and confusing to navigate. One excellent way to help you and your partner decide whether marriage is an appropriate step for your relationship could be couples counseling.

Couples counseling may help you and your partner more deeply understand each other’s needs and wants, which can strengthen the foundation of your marriage should you choose to take that step. You can even attend therapy online or through an app; studies have shown that online therapy can be just as effective as in-person therapy for both couples and individuals. It can allow both parties to feel more seen and heard while remaining in a comfortable environment.