What Is a People Pleaser?

A people pleaser constantly goes above and beyond to make others feel good, often putting themselves in harm’s way without reciprocation. Many people-pleasers may feel that others will value and accept them because of these efforts. Instead, these individuals commonly feel burned out and resentful. As a result, they become too physically and emotionally drained to meet their own needs.¹

Signs You’re a People Pleaser

Sometimes, we become so embedded in our patterns of relating to others that we miss signs of potentially detrimental people-pleasing tendencies. Noticing these signs can help you course-correct and set healthy boundaries in your relationships with others, whether you struggle with saying no, expressing your opinions, or stretching yourself too thin.

Below are common signs that you may be a people-pleaser:²

1. You Cannot Say “No”

Saying no when appropriate demonstrates a healthy respect for yourself and is necessary in any relationship. A typical people-pleasing behavior is never refusing to lend support despite feeling harmed, inconvenienced, or stressed. Saying yes to everything is an unhealthy pattern that can overwhelm you and cause resentment to fester.

2. You Feel Anxious About Others’ Opinions of You

One of the most common signs of people-pleasing is feeling anxious about the opinions and feelings of others. These feelings often stem from insecurity. You may fear people perceiving you unfavorably, so you conform your behaviors to fit into a box and overshadow your true self.

3. You Never Have “You” Time

People pleasers often neglect time for themselves so they can always be available for others. They may immediately free their schedules and drop responsibilities when asked for favors, even when they finally get some alone time.

4. You Feel Guilty Setting Boundaries

You may be a people pleaser if you fail to set boundaries with others. You may want to be as helpful as possible or feel bad for saying “no.” Maybe others shamed you in the past for setting boundaries. Whatever the case, people-pleasing tendencies often impede you ability to express your limits and expectations with others, further impacting your ability to care for yourself.

5. You Apologize for Things You Don’t Need To

Over-apologizing is another typical people-pleasing behavior. You may take responsibility for inconveniences otherwise unrelated to your actions. You are likely a people-pleasure if your first instinct to conflict is to say, “I’m sorry!”

6. You Need Constant Approval

People-pleasers often grow up with parents who base their love and approval on compliance and behavioral expectations. As adults, this pattern can continue as the need for constant approval seeps into professional, romantic, and platonic relationships.

7. You Generally Don’t Share Your Feelings With Others

People-pleasers might conceal their own true feelings to avoid conflict or hurt feelings. They prioritize keeping others happy and avoiding conflict while repressing their emotions and opinions. Doing so often leads to feelings of frustration and distress.

8. You Have Low Self-Esteem

People pleasers often have histories of anxiety, depression, trauma, or emotional concerns contributing to low self-esteem or self-worth. You look for external validation to fill the holes inside you that require internal work and self-love.

9. You Always Agree in Order to Be Liked

Agreeableness may appear like a surefire way to gain the approval and validation people-pleasers seek. However, avoiding disagreement and sharing alternate points of view can quickly backfire when you choose not to self-advocate. You may lose credibility and respect from others, ultimately placing you in undesirable situations.

10. You Fear Being Labeled “Selfish”

People-pleasers often find satisfaction in altruism with the underlying goal of being liked by others. Having others see them as selfish is something people-pleasers fear, as this might mean losing much-desired affection and acceptance.

11. Your Personality Changes Based on Who You’re With

Adapting your personality to match those around you is another sign of people-pleasing behavior. Being a social chameleon is one way people-pleasers gain the approval of others and avoid conflict.

12. You Overcommit to Activities or Responsibilities

Chronic people-pleasing involves overcommitting to activities or responsibilities others expect or request of you. Being unable to set healthy boundaries or make time for self-care often stems from a lack of self-esteem and need for validation from others.

13. You Feel Pressured to Be Nice All the Time

Feeling the need to be nice to everyone is another example of people-pleasing. Thoughtfulness and empathy are desirable qualities in appropriate doses. However, people-pleasers fear disapproval from others rather than genuine intent or living according to life values.

14. People Constantly Take Advantage of You

Allowing others to take advantage of you is a sure sign of people-pleasing. Struggling to set healthy boundaries is challenging for people-pleasers, as they strongly fear disappointing others.

What Causes People-Pleasing Tendencies?

People-pleasing coping mechanisms can come into play throughout the lifespan and in different situations. For some, this behavior may begin after traumatic experiences. Others may exhibit people-pleasing tendencies because of fear and anxiety.

Below are possible reasons you are a people pleaser:

• Anxiety: For many adults, anxiety can lead to people-pleasing tendencies. For example, they may fear being abandoned or rejected by loved ones.
• Fear of conflict: Some people might learn to engage in people-pleasing behavior to reduce tension and disagreements that can lead to interpersonal conflict.
• Co-occurring personality disorder: Some personality disorders, like dependent personality disorder (DPD), contribute to people-pleasing behaviors, like needing the opinions of others to make simple, everyday decisions.
• Trauma: Fawning is a people-pleasing trauma response in which people work to gain the affection and admiration of those they fear to survive.³
• Low self-esteem: Those struggling with low self-esteem may believe their needs and preferences are less valuable than others. Therefore, they fail to advocate for themselves.
• Sexism: Research shows women are more likely to become people-pleasers than men.⁴ As children, society often praises girls for being nice, nurturing, and self-sacrificial, setting the stage for people-pleasing behaviors later on.

he Danger of Being a People Pleaser

Many people may wonder if people-pleasing is bad. In many cases, people-pleasing can become a problem because constantly prioritizing others before yourself can wreak havoc on mental, emotional, and physical health. Relying on people-pleasing behaviors to improve your feelings of self-worth is damaging. People pleasers have little time for self-care and face the potential for burnout.

Possible dangers of people-pleasing tendencies include:

• Increased stress: Managing their own responsibilities and those of others often leads to stress.
• Anxiety: People-pleasers may experience increased fears of rejection, disappointing others, and failure when loved ones are not happy.
• Self-neglect: People-pleasers may neglect time for their own self-care and personal interests. Sometimes, their physical and mental health can suffer as a result.
• Resentment: Resentment and frustration can grow when people-pleasers overlook their own needs for the well-being of others.
• Lack of self-identity: People-pleasers can lose their own self-identity when they adapt their opinions and personality to suit those around them.
• Relationship problems: While people-pleasers might subconsciously believe their behavior will save their relationships, the opposite is actually true. Relationship problems can result without healthy boundaries, mutual engagement, and respect.
• Inability to enjoy yourself: People-pleasing can result in resentment and passive-aggression, often leading to constant stress, even depression.
• Exhaustion: People-pleasers might feel mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted as they try to make everyone in their life happy while neglecting to make time for their own self-care.

How to Stop Being a People Pleaser

Changing behavioral patterns is challenging. Doing so often begins with internal work, self-reflection, and shifting deeply held beliefs about oneself and others. Overcoming people-pleasing means learning to say no, caring for your well-being, and reevaluating your priorities.

Below are ways to overcome people-pleasing tendencies:

• Practice saying “no”: Saying no without justifying your decision or over-explaining yourself is an important step in setting healthy boundaries as you move away from people-pleasing patterns.
• Allow yourself time to make decisions: Stall for time or delay answering immediately. This break offers time to prepare and be firm in your response. Taking time to weigh out your options is perfectly acceptable and okay.
• Schedule time for yourself: Make sure you block time in your calendar for alone time so you can take care of your own needs. Schedule and stick to your plans.
• Consider your priorities: Be aware of your values and priorities. Prioritize yourself if a request undermines or neglects your needs.
• Don’t apologize for saying no: Say “no” without being sorry. When you apologize, you lessen your value and show others your needs can wait. Saying “no” without any feedback or explanation can help you feel empowered.
• Work on your inner self: Look inward to locate where your people-pleasing tendencies come from. Focus on healing the wound that may be causing these behaviors. Make sure you feel comfortable with yourself and honor all your needs.
• Identify any toxic traits: You should set more limits in a relationship if a person does not accept or respect you when you say “no.” They have probably been taking advantage of you.
• Set boundaries: Set and share your limits with people around you. Those who respect you will be proud of your efforts to care for your mental, emotional, and physical well-being.
• Consider the source of a request: A sincere request from your spouse differs significantly from a nagging demand by a social-loafing co-worker. Consider who is making the request, the quality of your relationship, and whether the favor is worth your time and effort.

When to Seek Professional Help

You may benefit from professional help if you constantly wonder, “Why am I such a people pleaser?” Dealing with the internal and external pressures of life can be overwhelming. Learning to set boundaries and sort through inner issues can be helpful with the guidance of a therapist. Choosing a therapist, counselor, or psychologist takes time, but using an online therapist directory can expedite the process. Help is available as you work to stop being a people pleaser.

Final Thoughts

While breaking the pattern of pleasing people can be challenging, taking note of your habits and finding ways to combat them can go a long way. Talking to a therapist, trusted friend, or family member can significantly improve your well-being and support your efforts to stop people pleasing.